Divorce

Divorce. I really don't enjoy that word, at all. When I hear it, I feel like it just makes me sad because I feel like it is never a happy situation. For me, divorce it not something to take lightly and it is definitely not an "out" in a marriage. I don't believe that you can just fall out of love with someone, I think they did things and let go of their marriage far before that happens. I think that divorce a lot of times is selfishness of either one or both spouses. But I do know there are situations when divorce is much better than the situation of marriage or when things are not going to change because of one of the spouses. Don't get me wrong, I am not saying divorce is entirely wrong. I just think people use it a lot more than they should now days.
    In a study, people who said they were unsatisfied in their marriage, were asked again 5 years later  and 70% said they were very satisfied. A lot of times people need to work through their problems and in the end it will make them closer and stronger.

Parenting

There are three styles of parenting.

1. Autocratic Parenting- They react instead of respond.
2. Permissive Parenting- There are no limits.
3. Authoritative or Active Parenting- Freedom with expanding limits.

The best style to be is active parenting. It's the perfect mix of the other two. There are also ways that help communication between parent and child. You have to listen actively to what they have to say. Then respond to their feelings. Talk to them and don't just tell them what they should do. Tell them what you think and let them know you feel for them. Let them figure things out and then follow up with them afterwords.

  Teaching your children responsibility and discipline is one of the best things you can teach them. It will prepare them for the real world. 

• Give a choice and the consequences=responsibility
• Begin with a polite request
• Focus on the behavior you want changed
• Give firm reminder-short, sweet, and respectful
• Logical consequences
• Give when/then choices
• Follow through

Kids need to feel a sense of power so it's important that we encourage responsibility. We can give them age appropriate choices, but also consequences.

Work Work Work

Think back to the early years. Really any time up until the mid 90's, and think about families and what they usually did together and how they strived together. Now think about your own family. Did you do everything together? Did you work hard together? Did you play together?
   In the earlier years, families worked all together, all of the time.  When they had farms or businesses, they didn't hire outsiders, they used their family members. They didn't just sit around together and watch a movie, they milked the cows and worked on the farm. (Well if you're from around here.)
     It is proven that working together shoulder to shoulder builds a closeness or bond. Especially for boys. That's usually when they "talk" about things that they would feel uncomfortable saying in a regular dinner table setting.
   When I have a family of my own, I want to make sure we are doing work together. Working on the yard, garden, house chores, anything that can be done together. I want that closeness that it can build.
   Growing up, every summer, as a family we planted our garden. Then every week we each had a row to weed. I love thinking about those times. Everyone was outside spending time together and they weren't with all of their friends. I loved those summers. Working together really does build friendships.

Communication

 Did you know there are 3 ways of communicating?

• Words-14%
• Tone-35%
• Nonverbal cues-51%

How crazy is that? But just think about it for one minute, it's completely true. Tone is one I tend to notice a lot. The way someone says something to you, they are either normal, not happy, not nice, annoyed, sad, etc. And the list goes on and on and then you are able to respond in either a like manner, or in a complete opposite direction.
    When we communicate with people, it is normal to have conflict. Naturally we think of conflict and we think "bad" but conflict can actually be good and even healthy for a relationship. First, it brings things out in the open. Second, explaining it helps you see it in another way and can change your mind. And lastly, you can get to the underlying problem. This is all good believe it or not! When I hear couples who say they never fight or argue, it makes me wonder if something is wrong with them. That sounds harsh, but no one agrees on every single thing in this world! Sometimes it's fun to argue just for the fun of it. (I like to win arguments) But it is important for good communication in all relationships. Ways of open communication that we talked about in class are:

• Discuss it until there is a consensus. Or until we know God's will.
• "If ye are not one, ye are not mine." One heart and one mind=Zion.
• Meet together on a regular basis so it's not just "putting our fires."
• Give the opportunity and be prepared for the counsel.
• Express love and concern.

Something else I heard in class that I loved was:

We go to the temple to make covenants. We go home to keep them.

Things to Remember

This was part of our reading a week or two ago but it is something I think is extremely important and that I want to remember....

Wise Walls

• Resist the desire to rescue an unhappy soul who pours their heart out to you.

• Don’t share the most painful things of your soul with an attractive alternative.

This develops deep levels of intimacy.

• If a conversation makes light of marriage, respond with something positive about

your own marriage.

• Discuss marital issues with your spouse. Work on the problems at home. If you do

need to talk to someone else about your marriage, be sure they are a friend of the

marriage.

• Don’t have lunch or take work breaks with same person all the time.

• When you travel with a co-worker, meet in the public rooms, not in a room with a

bed.

• If an old boyfriend or girlfriend is going to be at a class reunion, make sure you

bring your spouse along.

• If you value your marriage, don’t do lunch alone with an old flame.

• Don’t try to be cute or “flirty” with anyone other than your spouse.

• Do not allow your heart to dwell on anyone.

President

Kimball (1969a) reminds us that “The Lord apparently rates adultery close to

premeditated murder, for he said: ‘And again, I command thee that thou shalt not covet

thy neighbor's wife; nor seek thy neighbor's life (D&C 19:25).’”

Crisis

Actual Event
Behavioral Response
Cognitions-what we think about it.
total eXperience

•    When there is a crisis it is better to not take on the victim mentality. We can do things to change the situation so we have to take on a positive attitude. 
• Anger helps you feel in control but it doesn't actually help in any way. 
• Fear and anxiety make you more vulnerable
• When we lack information, we tend to fill in the gaps with things that usually freak you out more than is really necessary.

My favorite quote of the week

"Evil is always stupid. No matter the reason, it's never a good reason. It's always stupid."


A crisis can make or break a family. I know that in my own family we have become closer in some ways when we have a crisis, but there are some situations where it seems easier to take a step back and let whatever happen. Crisis are never fun for anyone or any family but it is a part of life and we have to choose how to deal with it.

Sexual Intimacy......

This weeks discussion is a little strange for me.....But I do know that it is an important discussion that plays a major role in a relationship. Here's a few notes from the week.

• Women make love when there is a closeness and they feel safe with that person.
• Men make love with the hope of feeling close and safe after.
• Sexual Relations should only be spousal because it hurts the other spouse in ways that no one quite understands. It makes them feel less safe in the relationship.
• When you have admiration for other people outside of your marriage (even actors), your husband becomes less attractive.

Also, we have to be sure that we educate our children about sex because it is important to be the source to what they learn something. Answer and teach them when it seems right and they seem ready.

Marriage Adjustments

I'm not sure about anyone else, but this weeks freaked me out just a little bit!
A couple of the questions that were asked this week were: Does the proposal matter? Does the wedding matter? Should a man ask for permission to marry the daughter?
I'm going to go ahead and say the answer to all of these is YES.  The proposal can give you an idea of whether you future spouse can plan and bring excitement to your marriage. The wedding matters because it matter where it takes place. The temple is my goal and I need to look for someone who has that same goal. I think the wedding planning also can have a part in this because weddings are very stressful and it can bring you closer together and you get to work side by side in creating something that hopefully you will both enjoy and love. And the final yes, yes a man should ask for permission to marry one's daughter. I do feel bad for them because I can't imagine how scary that would be. But I know that when I have daughters of my own, I want to be one hundred percent sure that the guy who wants to marry her is a respectable person and will take care of her.
    The other subject we talked about this week was the Baby Blues. Those are what freak me out! When we saw the graph that marital satisfaction goes down with each child that comes into the family. This is because the wife/mother becomes preoccupied and communication levels go down. By keeping the dad involved in the entire baby process, starting with the ultra sounds and baby kicking. The baby is not mine or yours but always OURS.
   Yes, it's scary but I'm sure it will be worth it one day!

Dating and Marriage

I have a feeling that dating and marriage will end up being one of my favorite subjects of the semester. Probably because that is the point I am at in my life and I always feel like I can never take enough notes on the matter. Marriage is a BIG deal. Eternity is a long time...

One of my favorite things on this subject is the how a date should be and then how it correlates with The Family: A Proclamation to the World. 

Date                                                Family Proclamation Correlation

Paid For (money)---------------------------------->Provide

Planned (beginning, end, structure)------------->Preside

Paired Off (responsible for the other)---------->Protect

I love what we can learn from about our future spouse from this little chart. 

 Another one of the things I loved was the R.A.M. chart.

Basically this chart can show you where you rely in a relationship and where you should be. For example I wouldn't want the trust higher on the chart than the Know because I'm not going to trust someone I don't know that well. When touch is the highest, it makes everything off. We need to start with the Know and slowly each of the lines will move up on all of them.

   The things we learn from dating will carry on for the rest of our lives. Dating a lot of different people will help you to see the different qualities you will eventually want in a spouse. Before marriage there are three things that need to happen. You need to spend time with that person. With a minimum of 3 months. (This is going to be different for everyone, I know) The next one is togetherness. You need to be together in things that you have in common, what you both want in a future, and just being together. The last one is Talking. You want to be able to share with them as much as you feel comfortable with. And it has to be talking, not texting. 

   All of these are tips/notes for myself and of course anyone is welcome to use them, but they are things I definitely want to remember.

Gender

    I was pretty disturbed when we watched a video in class and the woman (Gloria Steinman) from the video truly believes that "we badly need to raise our boys more like our girls." How wrong is that? Why would we all want to be the same gender? No offense to any girls, because I am one myself, but do we really want more emotional people running around on this planet? Girls are great but so are boys. Why would God make man and woman if He wanted us to make them all into one gender when they got to earth?
If you couldn't tell, the whole thing bugs me a little.
       Besides I believe that when we are born into this world, that we have the boy girl tendencies in us. I have a niece who has an older brother and and he loves bikes, trucks, balls, all sports, anything that the typical boy likes. My niece came along and she liked that stuff too but she saw a doll at someones house and immediately picked it up and held it to her. Where would she have learned that? She didn't own any dolls. It is her nature to be motherly even at such a small age of 1.
      I may be wrong to some people when I say that when I have my own kids, I am going to teach my boys to be boys! That sports is the way to go and that they are tough. Don't worry I won't be a freak about all of that, and they will get options, but I'm just saying, that's the direction I will probably take.
    Men and Women compliment one another in their separate roles and can make a powerful team together.

Social Standing

In class this week we were asked, does social class matter in terms of accomplishing the purpose of a family? I thought about it for a quick second then proceeded to write no because having money doesn't make you gain relationships with your family members. Spending time together does. I thought it was a pretty easy question to answer until we started to discuss it in class and I realized, wow I am pretty narrow minded. There were so many good and valid points for both sides of the argument that I feel like I still don't know the answer.
   Reading about different immigrants that have tried so hard to come to the U.S. to gain a better life for their family really made me take a second look at those people. I have never blamed people for wanting to come here to gain a better life, but I have never given them enough credit either. They usually work harder than almost all of the Americans here because they want the best for the children. I gained a greater respect for these families. I will never understand how hard it is to have your dad leave for years to another country trying to provide a way for me, then coming back together and trying to restart a relationship. Incredible people are all around us and do we pay enough attention to it?

Week 2-Family Systems

Have you ever thought about the family in terms of systems? Or how there are boundaries around all the relationships in your family? I know that such a thing had never crossed my mind until we talked about it in class. But once you start thinking about it, it really makes sense.
    There are the 3 types of boundaries
1. A picket fence boundary- This is open and friendly and where we want out relationships to be.
2. The Rigid Wall- Keep everything out or everything in.
3. Fence post (Diffuse) Boundaries- Things that should stay in, don't.
There are meant to be boundaries to every relationship and hopefully we all have the nice picket fence. But unfortunately we know that not all families are perfect, like we wish, and we know there are different relationships that need to be worked on. Some may be harder than others but they take work and families are the  most important thing we have on this earth, along with the gospel, so that means we HAVE to get to work to improve them.
    I like the analogy of a family standing in a circle holding hands and when one person is falling back or has weight on them, the rest of the family feels it and braces for it. When someone in your family is going through something hard, it is our duty to pick them up and help carry the weight of the burden they have. So the family will make an adjustment like in a circle holding hands, everyone adjusts to the weight of one.
   Elder Paul E. Koelliker said in his April 2012 General Conference talk, "The Father's plan designated the pattern of the family to help us learn, apply, and understand the power of love." We have such a good opportunity to learn from the members of our family, to try to understand the many things this world throws at us, and we can do it together.

The Effects of a Family

    During class this week as we talked about how the family unit is getting smaller and seeming to be less important to the world, I couldn't stop thinking about how selfish the world is. Everything seems to be based on self fulfillment now. Yes, I think that couples need to know each other and have a stable relationship before they bring kids into their world, but I also think that they can't let their desires for owning a house, or having a lot of money, push starting a family back. But it is also important for other people to not judge couples who wait to have children. It is their decision and we don't know what is going on in their lives.
    When we talked about who is affected by not having children, it's crazy to realize how basically everything is affected by it. All of society is affected. Also, when we Brother Williams asked us where the children go that aren't born into the family they were supposed to, it made me sad to think about my family. What if my parents stopped at 3? What if they stopped at 8? Where would I be? Would I be born into a family that already had the gospel? Would the family I was born into be as prepared to provide for me? These questions all made me extremely grateful for my parents. Ten children would not be easy in any way and I'm so grateful that my parents kept going even after 9. Tonight as I had a dance party with my nephews and played dodgeball  with them, I couldn't help but be grateful for the family I have and that I was born into a house full of some of the craziest, funniest, and best people I know.

Oh Hey There

Soooo here's my tester to see how cool everything looks!

Haha I never thought I'd EVER do a blog....

...and here's a pic of me and just three of my sisters (i have eight).

Testing, testing, one two three.

Now I'm done.

K bye!