Divorce

Divorce. I really don't enjoy that word, at all. When I hear it, I feel like it just makes me sad because I feel like it is never a happy situation. For me, divorce it not something to take lightly and it is definitely not an "out" in a marriage. I don't believe that you can just fall out of love with someone, I think they did things and let go of their marriage far before that happens. I think that divorce a lot of times is selfishness of either one or both spouses. But I do know there are situations when divorce is much better than the situation of marriage or when things are not going to change because of one of the spouses. Don't get me wrong, I am not saying divorce is entirely wrong. I just think people use it a lot more than they should now days.
    In a study, people who said they were unsatisfied in their marriage, were asked again 5 years later  and 70% said they were very satisfied. A lot of times people need to work through their problems and in the end it will make them closer and stronger.

Parenting

There are three styles of parenting.

1. Autocratic Parenting- They react instead of respond.
2. Permissive Parenting- There are no limits.
3. Authoritative or Active Parenting- Freedom with expanding limits.

The best style to be is active parenting. It's the perfect mix of the other two. There are also ways that help communication between parent and child. You have to listen actively to what they have to say. Then respond to their feelings. Talk to them and don't just tell them what they should do. Tell them what you think and let them know you feel for them. Let them figure things out and then follow up with them afterwords.

  Teaching your children responsibility and discipline is one of the best things you can teach them. It will prepare them for the real world. 

• Give a choice and the consequences=responsibility
• Begin with a polite request
• Focus on the behavior you want changed
• Give firm reminder-short, sweet, and respectful
• Logical consequences
• Give when/then choices
• Follow through

Kids need to feel a sense of power so it's important that we encourage responsibility. We can give them age appropriate choices, but also consequences.

Work Work Work

Think back to the early years. Really any time up until the mid 90's, and think about families and what they usually did together and how they strived together. Now think about your own family. Did you do everything together? Did you work hard together? Did you play together?
   In the earlier years, families worked all together, all of the time.  When they had farms or businesses, they didn't hire outsiders, they used their family members. They didn't just sit around together and watch a movie, they milked the cows and worked on the farm. (Well if you're from around here.)
     It is proven that working together shoulder to shoulder builds a closeness or bond. Especially for boys. That's usually when they "talk" about things that they would feel uncomfortable saying in a regular dinner table setting.
   When I have a family of my own, I want to make sure we are doing work together. Working on the yard, garden, house chores, anything that can be done together. I want that closeness that it can build.
   Growing up, every summer, as a family we planted our garden. Then every week we each had a row to weed. I love thinking about those times. Everyone was outside spending time together and they weren't with all of their friends. I loved those summers. Working together really does build friendships.

Communication

 Did you know there are 3 ways of communicating?

• Words-14%
• Tone-35%
• Nonverbal cues-51%

How crazy is that? But just think about it for one minute, it's completely true. Tone is one I tend to notice a lot. The way someone says something to you, they are either normal, not happy, not nice, annoyed, sad, etc. And the list goes on and on and then you are able to respond in either a like manner, or in a complete opposite direction.
    When we communicate with people, it is normal to have conflict. Naturally we think of conflict and we think "bad" but conflict can actually be good and even healthy for a relationship. First, it brings things out in the open. Second, explaining it helps you see it in another way and can change your mind. And lastly, you can get to the underlying problem. This is all good believe it or not! When I hear couples who say they never fight or argue, it makes me wonder if something is wrong with them. That sounds harsh, but no one agrees on every single thing in this world! Sometimes it's fun to argue just for the fun of it. (I like to win arguments) But it is important for good communication in all relationships. Ways of open communication that we talked about in class are:

• Discuss it until there is a consensus. Or until we know God's will.
• "If ye are not one, ye are not mine." One heart and one mind=Zion.
• Meet together on a regular basis so it's not just "putting our fires."
• Give the opportunity and be prepared for the counsel.
• Express love and concern.

Something else I heard in class that I loved was:

We go to the temple to make covenants. We go home to keep them.

Things to Remember

This was part of our reading a week or two ago but it is something I think is extremely important and that I want to remember....

Wise Walls

• Resist the desire to rescue an unhappy soul who pours their heart out to you.

• Don’t share the most painful things of your soul with an attractive alternative.

This develops deep levels of intimacy.

• If a conversation makes light of marriage, respond with something positive about

your own marriage.

• Discuss marital issues with your spouse. Work on the problems at home. If you do

need to talk to someone else about your marriage, be sure they are a friend of the

marriage.

• Don’t have lunch or take work breaks with same person all the time.

• When you travel with a co-worker, meet in the public rooms, not in a room with a

bed.

• If an old boyfriend or girlfriend is going to be at a class reunion, make sure you

bring your spouse along.

• If you value your marriage, don’t do lunch alone with an old flame.

• Don’t try to be cute or “flirty” with anyone other than your spouse.

• Do not allow your heart to dwell on anyone.

President

Kimball (1969a) reminds us that “The Lord apparently rates adultery close to

premeditated murder, for he said: ‘And again, I command thee that thou shalt not covet

thy neighbor's wife; nor seek thy neighbor's life (D&C 19:25).’”

Crisis

Actual Event
Behavioral Response
Cognitions-what we think about it.
total eXperience

•    When there is a crisis it is better to not take on the victim mentality. We can do things to change the situation so we have to take on a positive attitude. 
• Anger helps you feel in control but it doesn't actually help in any way. 
• Fear and anxiety make you more vulnerable
• When we lack information, we tend to fill in the gaps with things that usually freak you out more than is really necessary.

My favorite quote of the week

"Evil is always stupid. No matter the reason, it's never a good reason. It's always stupid."


A crisis can make or break a family. I know that in my own family we have become closer in some ways when we have a crisis, but there are some situations where it seems easier to take a step back and let whatever happen. Crisis are never fun for anyone or any family but it is a part of life and we have to choose how to deal with it.

Sexual Intimacy......

This weeks discussion is a little strange for me.....But I do know that it is an important discussion that plays a major role in a relationship. Here's a few notes from the week.

• Women make love when there is a closeness and they feel safe with that person.
• Men make love with the hope of feeling close and safe after.
• Sexual Relations should only be spousal because it hurts the other spouse in ways that no one quite understands. It makes them feel less safe in the relationship.
• When you have admiration for other people outside of your marriage (even actors), your husband becomes less attractive.

Also, we have to be sure that we educate our children about sex because it is important to be the source to what they learn something. Answer and teach them when it seems right and they seem ready.